I have never, in all my life, been treated as objectively as I have been here, daily, hourly, constantly. The depth and breadth of misogyny is both overwhelming and startling. And I know that with my white skin and pocket money, I still have it better than the majority of Indian women. At any moment I can choose to book a ticket and get the hell out, which I consider daily. I can question the man who tells me to get off the empty car and go to the one of the bursting-at-the-seams women’s car, of which there are 3 on a 12-15 car train. I can cause a scene in hopes of publicly shaming the men and preteens who believe women are objects for their fondling pleasure. It rarely works.
I know that not all Indian men are guilty of this behavior or mentality. I’ve met a few older gentlemen who are relatively respectful, and want to know about my experience here so far. I tell them as patiently as I can that I am harassed, and groped, and grazed, and scammed all day long, every single day. That I am struggling to relax enough to learn all their country has to offer because I can’t afford to let my guard down for even a moment. Their responses have started to run together in their similarities, but include “Oh no, Indian men aren’t like that”, and “Well you know, they can’t help it, you have such a beautiful figure,” before they too start to look me up and down, unashamedly. I try to explain why that is no excuse, try to explain how degrading it is from my perspective, try to enforce that it is, in fact, total and complete bullshit, but I don’t know if they can understand me through my clenched teeth.
I’ve met a few other solo women here, and together we commiserate, try to sort through all of the cultural and historical imperatives that have created such an abominable environment, try to support one another as much as we can. And once in a while, a woman will clarify “I’m not an angry feminist or anything, but…” And for a moment I feel like hanging my head and giving up. Because to me, it’s far more troubling that someone, man or woman, wouldn’t be angry at the reality of most women around the world. Female infanticide? Child brides? Sex trafficking? Rape correction? Rape as a primary weapon in war? Victim blaming? Female genital mutilation? Dowry murder? Domestic violence? Maternal health? Education inequality? You’re not angry? I’m not either. I’m disgusted, and enraged, and and appalled. And fucking shattered.
Here in Rajasthan, per the 2011 census, the literacy rate between men and women is 79.19% to 52.12%. In the newly-democratic Burma, uniformed soldiers and police officers rape women and children to cleanse ethnic minorities of their faith. In Cambodia, per the 2014 census, nearly 2/3 of the population was under 30, and at least 40% of girls were not receiving an education, putting them at a higher risk for being trafficked and exploited in any number of ways. The premise of a new documentary produced by Gloria Steinem is the following harrowing truth: “Polarized gender roles are the mark of terrorist groups and violent societies. More than poverty, natural resources, religion or degree of democracy, violence against females is the most reliable predictor of whether a nation will be violent within itself or will use violence against another country—and gender violence has become so great that for the first time, there are now fewer females on earth than males.” Lord, have mercy.
We in the west are not immune. In my own country, a tyrannically racist, chauvinistic narcissist is not only running for the most powerful office in the world, but he has garnered, by my last check, the support of 50% of his party. Are you fucking kidding me, America? And speaking of America, we remain solidly on the top 10 list of highest rape crimes in the world, year after year: we share this mark of dishonor with several of our "most advanced" allies, including Canada, Australia, and the UK. Our trusty Webster’s dictionary defines adventurer as a “person who has, enjoys, or seeks adventures”, and adventuress as “a woman who uses unscrupulous means in order to gain wealth or position”. As recently as 2015, men back home made on average 21% more than their female counterparts, and we are still, in 2016, advocating tirelessly for the reproductive rights of all women, regardless of demographic or socioeconomic status.
Do I think as a feminist that women are greater than men? Of course not. I love men, have many in my life, and frankly, have a hard time even justifying that antiquated argument with a response; my patience is waning for willful ignorance. I am as concerned for my nephews as I am for my niece. I think until our world understands the inherent, fundamentally equal value and worth of both genders, it hurts them too, overtly and insidiously. Until we teach our boys to embody "feminine" traits like compassion and empathy and emotional intelligence as much as we do aggression and dominance and strength, we all suffer. We will continue to lose out on the wholeness we were endowed with when we were mysteriously created in the divine image, that is, incidentally, both male and female.
Today I took an interminably long bus ride across the barren landscape that watered my overburdened eyes and lashed me in the face through the window, seasoned with intermittent spittle and litter being dumped from the window above. I was befriended by the young man beside me by way of the gift of a popsicle, and I was humbled; perhaps he could soften me. I made a valiant effort to be friendly and answer his questions about my giant imaginary husband and even managed to relax a bit. And then the sun went down. And like too many men before, he stole his liberties, not nearly as subtly as he believed himself to be: my two minutes of relaxation were over, and I was back to bleeding my palms.
I know shouting "FUCK OFF" a dozen times a day is no kind of lasting solution, as much as I know that hiding out in a blue room in a blue city and crying angry tears isn't either. I know too that this anger, however righteous, will eventually erode my cowering hope that we can do better, we can be better. Somehow I need to figure out how to leverage my heartbroken outrage into action, one fluffy-headed popsicle bearer at a time. Gloria says, "...One of the simplest paths to deep change is for the less powerful to speak as much as they listen, and for the more powerful to listen as much as they speak." So I'm speaking. Are you?
This is a strong voice. I hear you in my head, see your tears and frustration. The solution or management is not simple. I commend you and don't have any answers.
ReplyDeleteI read your blog entry days ago, but had no words to respond. I still don’t have any answers, but I feel compelled to add my perspective.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, don’t let go of the hope that we can do better, because we can. In my life, I’ve found that striving to be true to my values is the only option to allow me to live in my own skin. So, you have the right to speak, arguably the imperative to speak, but with reasoned expectations of outcomes.
As you point out, paternalism is rife around the world, but it is particularly pronounced in Asia. In Japan, you would never experience the overt harassment you have experienced in India, but you and I are “gaijin” (aka foreign devils) so we plot well outside their cultural norms. Japanese women fare far less well.
In the area you travel, the last woman lost to “sati” (burned in her husband’s funeral pyre) was probably within your lifetime. The practice, while banned in most areas around the time of our Civil War, was not criminalized across India until 1987. Families arrange marriages for ninety percent of rural Indian women, mostly before they are eighteen years old. The per capita GDP in your area is less than $4000 US per year, even when considering the low cost of living (e.g. factoring for purchase power parity). Actual rupee wages are much lower. When I researched the topic in 2010, 450 million rural Indians didn’t have access to electricity.
If you are familiar with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the bulk of India’s population is trapped at the physiological level – just trying to meet basic needs to survive. It doesn’t excuse poor behaviour, but it does put it in perspective.
The engine of change is more likely to be economic than cultural. One can debate the merits of globalization, but Western cultural norms travel with Western businesses. And, businesses in India with increasingly global brands (like Tata) cannot tolerate the behaviour you’ve experienced. While I agree your point about losing the wholeness of the combined divine image, the reality is that most businesses worship only mammon. It is the threat of loss through legal action that motivates them; only a rare few have any higher vision. However, whether by carrot or stick, the situation has changed for the better in my three decades in business and I expect the positive change to continue, albeit at a generational pace.
In your case, it is a choice of “fight or flight”... not an easy choice… I would offer that as you chose action with every “fluffy-headed Popsicle bearer”, you do shove the stack forward. For every idiotic thesis “he” holds about women, your antithesis provides an opportunity for personal synthesis that moves things forward. Maybe this dialectic is just at a micro level, but it is sum of personal experiences that lay the foundation for the acceptance of real change.
Hang in there, be safe, and I hope your experiences improve…